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My birthday is coming up in the next few days. I only announce it because I’m training Marin to say “Mommy’s 38.” Which is a lie, but I just like it better that way. There are birthdays that are exciting but after a certain age they kind of lose their appeal. Any birthday when you are a kid is great. Turning 16 and getting your driver’s license is huge. 18 and you can vote and go to college. 21, of course, is the magic drinking age. I’m currently between the ages of “yes, my insurance rates have dropped” and the next big one, the dreaded senior discount.
I want Botox for my birthday.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Really Scary Stuff
I know that my last post was disturbing and basically a downer. I would like to make up for that with something clever and funny but don’t get your hopes up. Instead I’m going to share my weekend trauma.
C had warmed up a bowl of potato soup for Marin while I was busy doing something else. I saw that she had the soup and didn’t think anything about it. Then Marin choked on a potato. I was screaming for C while frantically trying to find a phone to dial 911. Claire was screaming and hysterical, I was panicked and C was doing the Heimlich on my baby. The potato dislodged and then Marin was crying. I have never been so relieved in my entire life.
C has the opinion that I worry too much; neurotic is the term he prefers to use. Normally if he has prepared food for Marin I do an inspection and cut things up smaller. I think it makes a lot more sense to prevent problems, especially problems like choking. I am still upset by the experience and angry that C hasn’t figured out that there is a reason that I cut Marin’s food into tiny bites. After Marin choked, Katie starting cutting up the pieces of potatoes remaining in the bowl. Claire told her that she should have done that before Marin choked. C pointed out to Claire that it wasn’t Katie’s fault. I hope he spent a little bit of time reflecting on exactly whose fault it was.
Marin is fine and doesn’t seem to be nearly as traumatized as I was by the event. She even finished her soup and the potatoes that Katie chopped up into tiny, baby-sized bites. Despite Katie’s calm during the emergency, she was worried, too.
C had warmed up a bowl of potato soup for Marin while I was busy doing something else. I saw that she had the soup and didn’t think anything about it. Then Marin choked on a potato. I was screaming for C while frantically trying to find a phone to dial 911. Claire was screaming and hysterical, I was panicked and C was doing the Heimlich on my baby. The potato dislodged and then Marin was crying. I have never been so relieved in my entire life.
C has the opinion that I worry too much; neurotic is the term he prefers to use. Normally if he has prepared food for Marin I do an inspection and cut things up smaller. I think it makes a lot more sense to prevent problems, especially problems like choking. I am still upset by the experience and angry that C hasn’t figured out that there is a reason that I cut Marin’s food into tiny bites. After Marin choked, Katie starting cutting up the pieces of potatoes remaining in the bowl. Claire told her that she should have done that before Marin choked. C pointed out to Claire that it wasn’t Katie’s fault. I hope he spent a little bit of time reflecting on exactly whose fault it was.
Marin is fine and doesn’t seem to be nearly as traumatized as I was by the event. She even finished her soup and the potatoes that Katie chopped up into tiny, baby-sized bites. Despite Katie’s calm during the emergency, she was worried, too.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sick Pediatrician
For all of you parents (and grandparents) out there, read this story about the pediatrician assaulting children while the parents were in another room. It was a two year-old that told her mother what was going on. It's a reminder about being careful who you trust with your kids.
Also Oprah has an two hour long interview with pedophiles available online here.
I'll be back with a regular post tomorrow.
Also Oprah has an two hour long interview with pedophiles available online here.
I'll be back with a regular post tomorrow.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Stomach Flu, cont.
The stomach flu is officially over in my house. I got it, too. Here is the sequence of events. Claire got it Sunday, Marin Monday afternoon, and Katie Monday evening. By Wednesday evening I thought I had dodged the bullet. I was especially vigilant when Claire got sick and washed my hands repeatedly. By the time Marin and Katie started throwing up, I still tried to be careful but my surgical scrub was no longer practical and was replaced with the occasional wiping my hands on my pants and calling it good. Mistake.
By Wednesday night I was really sick. I got everyone ready for bed as quickly as possible and climbed into bed. Marin was in her crib right across the hall from my room, talking. Marin tries to say “puke” but says “peek” instead.
Marin- “You peeking, Mommy?”
Me- “Yes.”
Marin- “I peek all day.”
Marin then proceeded to take all of her clothes off. I was too sick to help her but Claire was a good helper and dressed her baby sister for me. The fun continued for hours.
The next day I was still tired and was looking forward to sleeping through the night. Instead, my phone started ringing at 5 AM. I looked and saw that it was William. I decided I should answer since anyone calling at 5 in the morning better have a really good reason. I was able to ascertain that he was at work and had the stomach flu. I don’t remember much of the conversation. Then my phone rang again around 6 AM and it was William again. He thought he needed to go to the hospital.
I arranged for someone to pick William up from work and then my phone rang again. I saw that it was N calling and thought he must be calling to tell me that William was sick.
Me- “Hello?”
N- “Mmmmommmm?”
Me- “You have got to be kidding me.”
N- “Can you come over? I think I need to go to the hospital.”
I had Andrea retrieve N and soon I had a living room full of sick people again. They have all recovered now and no one actually needed to go to the hospital. The end.
Now for something amusing. If you haven’t visited “Texts From Last Night” you need to. It is funny, funny stuff. Here are a few of my favorites:
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its
way too big for it to be a good thing
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
(404):
what's for breakfast?
(678):
Advil and throwup
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
By Wednesday night I was really sick. I got everyone ready for bed as quickly as possible and climbed into bed. Marin was in her crib right across the hall from my room, talking. Marin tries to say “puke” but says “peek” instead.
Marin- “You peeking, Mommy?”
Me- “Yes.”
Marin- “I peek all day.”
Marin then proceeded to take all of her clothes off. I was too sick to help her but Claire was a good helper and dressed her baby sister for me. The fun continued for hours.
The next day I was still tired and was looking forward to sleeping through the night. Instead, my phone started ringing at 5 AM. I looked and saw that it was William. I decided I should answer since anyone calling at 5 in the morning better have a really good reason. I was able to ascertain that he was at work and had the stomach flu. I don’t remember much of the conversation. Then my phone rang again around 6 AM and it was William again. He thought he needed to go to the hospital.
I arranged for someone to pick William up from work and then my phone rang again. I saw that it was N calling and thought he must be calling to tell me that William was sick.
Me- “Hello?”
N- “Mmmmommmm?”
Me- “You have got to be kidding me.”
N- “Can you come over? I think I need to go to the hospital.”
I had Andrea retrieve N and soon I had a living room full of sick people again. They have all recovered now and no one actually needed to go to the hospital. The end.
Now for something amusing. If you haven’t visited “Texts From Last Night” you need to. It is funny, funny stuff. Here are a few of my favorites:
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its
way too big for it to be a good thing
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
(404):
what's for breakfast?
(678):
Advil and throwup
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Monday, February 08, 2010
The Domino Effect
I know that you are probably all tired of hearing about my sick kids but I can’t help myself. I must talk about it again. Claire came down with the stomach flu yesterday, Marin this afternoon and then Katie this evening. Thank God they staggered it a bit. Claire was doing better by the time the other two starting getting sick. My house has turned into a vomitorium. Not the fictional ancient Roman kind, more the you shouldn’t walk around in socks kind.
When Claire first got sick she was fighting it and trying to not throw up a second time. I tried to explain the mechanism of stomach flu.
Me- “You know, your tummy is trying to get rid of the stuff that needs to go so that you can feel better. Your tummy is saying, “Uh-oh, we’ve got a problem here and we need to get rid of this stuff.”
Claire- “Uh, yeah, I noticed.”
Marin has all the stomach flu symptoms and has had to make multiple trips to the potty. She has done a great job and hasn’t had an accident, which I find a little surprising for a 2 and a half-year-old. The only problem she has had is the tendency to throw up on the kitchen floor as she makes the trek to the bathroom. Poor Marin is really worn out. After a recent trip to the bathroom, she brought me a square of toilet paper saying, “Wipe my butt, please.”
I’m going to resist the urge to list off all the items that have been thrown up on in the last 24 hours. Trust me though. It could rival a frat party.
When Claire first got sick she was fighting it and trying to not throw up a second time. I tried to explain the mechanism of stomach flu.
Me- “You know, your tummy is trying to get rid of the stuff that needs to go so that you can feel better. Your tummy is saying, “Uh-oh, we’ve got a problem here and we need to get rid of this stuff.”
Claire- “Uh, yeah, I noticed.”
Marin has all the stomach flu symptoms and has had to make multiple trips to the potty. She has done a great job and hasn’t had an accident, which I find a little surprising for a 2 and a half-year-old. The only problem she has had is the tendency to throw up on the kitchen floor as she makes the trek to the bathroom. Poor Marin is really worn out. After a recent trip to the bathroom, she brought me a square of toilet paper saying, “Wipe my butt, please.”
I’m going to resist the urge to list off all the items that have been thrown up on in the last 24 hours. Trust me though. It could rival a frat party.
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